Dragon Receives 47 HOA Violations, Burns Down Mailbox in Response

“I have fought armies. I have razed kingdoms. But nothing prepared me for Deborah and her fence height regulations.”

Smaug Jr. (age 847, first-time homebuyer) thought suburban living would be peaceful after centuries of cave dwelling. Three months into homeownership, he’s learned that his Homeowners Association is scarier than any dragonslayer.

The Dream of Homeownership

After 800+ years of living in a damp cave in the mountains, Smaug Jr. wanted something different.

“I saw the listing on Zillow,” he explains, smoke drifting from his nostrils. “3 bed, 2 bath, HOA-managed community. I thought, ‘How bad could an HOA be?’ I WAS SO NAIVE.”

The Listing:

🏡 Beautiful 3BR Colonial in Whispering Pines
✨ Granite countertops
✨ Two-car garage (perfect for hoarding)
✨ Community pool (seasonal)
✨ HOA: $450/month (includes lawn care, snow removal, soul-crushing bureaucracy)

He paid cash. Literally. 847 years of hoarded gold, brought to closing in a dump truck.

The realtor asked if he wanted a home inspection. He replied, “I can smell structural damage from 3 miles away.” She did not question this further.

The Violations Begin

Week 1: The Lawn Situation

VIOLATION NOTICE #1:

Dear Homeowner,

Your lawn exceeds the maximum allowed height of 3.5 inches.
Current height: 4.2 inches (UNACCEPTABLE)

Additionally, grass appears to be "singed" and "on fire."

Fines: $250
Please rectify immediately.

—Whispering Pines HOA Board

“I breathed on it ONCE,” Smaug protests. “ONE TIME. Now the whole lawn is ash and they’re demanding I re-sod by Friday.”

Week 2: The Treasure Horde Issue

VIOLATION NOTICE #7:

Dear Homeowner,

Neighbors report seeing "mountains of gold" through
your living room window.

This violates Section 12.3: Excessive Displays of Wealth

Your home's curb appeal must remain "humble" and
"not making everyone else feel inadequate."

Please install curtains.

Fines: $500

“I’ve been hoarding treasure since before their great-great-grandparents were born. NOW it’s a problem?”

— Smaug Jr., increasingly agitated

Week 3: The Garage Dragon Incident

The HOA specifically prohibits “non-standard vehicles in driveways.”

Smaug’s defense: “I AM the vehicle.”

The HOA disagreed. Sleeping in the driveway during the day violated three separate regulations:

No vehicles on blocks (his wings were up)
No large recreational vehicles (he’s 47 feet long)
No “excessive smoke production” (he snores steam)

Fine: $1,200

The HOA Board Meeting

Desperate to resolve the violations, Smaug attended the monthly HOA meeting.

Meeting Minutes (Excerpt):

7:03 PM - Dragon enters community center 7:04 PM - Dragon realizes door is too small, gets stuck 7:12 PM - Deborah (HOA President) refuses to move meeting outside 7:15 PM - Dragon speaks through window, accidentally melts glass 7:16 PM - Emergency vote to fine dragon for property damage 7:17 PM - Dragon argues that community center is “technically” shared property 7:18 PM - Deborah presents 67-page rulebook 7:19 PM - Dragon considers just eating Deborah 7:20 PM - Dragon remembers eating HOA board members is “definitely against the bylaws”

The Complete Violation List

Over 3 months, Smaug received 47 violations:

Top 10 Most Absurd:

Fire pit too large (it’s literally him)
Improper mailbox design (he melted it by accident)
Non-approved roof color (golden scales are “too flashy”)
Excessive noise after 10 PM (roaring at the moon)
Unapproved pets (his hoard includes 3 sentient swords)
Garden gnome violations (they’re not gnomes, they’re petrified thieves)
Improper fence height (wanted to install 40-foot walls, approved max: 6 feet)
Pool use outside designated hours (he fills it with gold, not water)
Halloween decorations still up (they’re actual skulls and he forgot)
Disturbing the peace (flying overhead constitutes “low-flying aircraft violation”)

The Neighbors Weigh In

Community Forum Posts:

DeborahHOA_President: “The new resident clearly has no respect for community standards. Yesterday he flew over my pool and the wing turbulence knocked over my rosebushes. UNACCEPTABLE.”

BobNextDoor: “Actually, Smaug is pretty chill? He helped me move furniture last week. Carried my couch with one claw. 10/10 neighbor. The fire thing is admittedly concerning.”

KarenFromNumber42: “I filed a noise complaint because he BREATHES TOO LOUD. The HOA said that’s ‘not a valid complaint.’ I’M CALLING A LAWYER.”

Smaug_47: “I have hoarded kingdoms. I have slept on mountains of treasure. I have lived for centuries. Yet somehow, I cannot put up a basketball hoop without a 6-week approval process? Explain.”

The Mailbox Incident

The final straw came when Smaug received his 47th violation—for an “unauthorized garden statue.”

The statue was a 12-foot bronze dragon.

“IT’S MY COUSIN GERALD,” Smaug roared. “HE’S VISITING.”

The HOA demanded its removal within 48 hours.

Smaug’s response: incinerated the entire mailbox station.

The Aftermath:

News Report: “Local mailboxes destroyed in what witnesses describe as ‘a column of dragon fire approximately 30 feet high.’ HOA President Deborah refuses to comment but was seen updating the fine schedule.”

New Violation Notice:

VIOLATION #48: Destruction of Community Property

Fine: $10,000
Hearing scheduled: Next Tuesday
Bring: Checkbook, Fire Extinguisher, Attitude Adjustment

The Fine Total

After 3 months:

Total violations: 48
Total fines: $47,350
Fines actually paid: $0
HOA’s ability to collect from dragon: “Unclear, we’re scared”

Payment Dispute:

HOA: “You owe us $47,000.”

Smaug: “I could pay you in gold coins from the 12th century?”

HOA: “We need cashier’s check.”

Smaug: “I could pay you in NOT BURNING YOUR HOUSES.”

HOA: “Is that a threat?”

Smaug: “It’s a negotiation.”

The Settlement

After tense mediation (conducted via Zoom, as Smaug no longer fits in the community center), both parties reached an agreement:

Terms:

Smaug will:
- Keep wings folded in residential areas
- Limit roaring to before 9 PM
- Pay for new mailboxes (in modern currency)
- Attend anger management (specializing in HOA-related rage)
HOA will:
- Acknowledge that “being a dragon” is not, itself, a violation
- Allow reasonable treasure hoarding (with curtains)
- Permit one outdoor fire pit (it’s him)
- Stop using the phrase “That’s not how we do things here”
Both parties agree:
- No eating board members (Smaug)
- No more “surprise inspections” at 6 AM (HOA)
- Gerald can visit but must be “kept in back yard”
- Future disputes will be handled via certified mail, not aerial fire displays

Lessons Learned

When asked what he’d do differently, Smaug becomes contemplative:

“I should have bought in a neighborhood without an HOA. Or simply purchased the entire neighborhood and banned homeowners associations. That’s my next move, actually.”

He’s currently looking at properties in “Mythical Creatures Only” developments, where HOA rules include:

Reasonable roaring hours
Hoard-friendly floor plans
Fire insurance is included (they know what they’re dealing with)
HOA board includes at least one dragon

Update: The Plot Twist

Breaking News: Smaug Jr. has been elected to the HOA board by a landslide.

His campaign promise: “Vote for me and I’ll burn the rulebook. Literally.”

Deborah has resigned.

The neighborhood has never been quieter.

Or warmer.

Smaug’s First Act as Board Member:

NEW RULE: Maximum lawn height increased to 6 inches
NEW RULE: Treasure hoarding is permitted and encouraged
NEW RULE: Monthly meetings will be OUTSIDE
NEW RULE: No Deborahs

This reporter conducted the interview from a safe distance, using a telephoto lens. The homeowner’s insurance in this neighborhood is astronomically high. Four stars for surviving the assignment.