Frankenstein’s Monster Joins Dating App, Profile Says ‘No Drama’

Swipe right for existential conversations and potentially being chased by villagers

Adam Frankenstein (created 1818, single since forever) has reluctantly joined Tinder after 200 years of isolation. His experience so far: “Modern dating is somehow worse than being assembled from corpse parts.”

The Profile

ADAM, 207 6’8” | Science Experiment | Looking for something real

Photos:

Moody mirror selfie (bathroom, stitches visible)
Hiking in the Alps (running from angry mob)
Reading poetry (Byron, obviously)
With dog (it ran away immediately after photo)

Bio:

Looking for someone who accepts me for who I am:
an 8-foot tall reanimated corpse with abandonment issues.

I enjoy:
✨ Long walks (fleeing from pitchfork-wielding villagers)
✨ Deep conversations (about existence and stuff)
✨ Reading (Romantic poetry hits different when you're literally a Romantic-era creation)
✨ Solitude (not by choice)

Deal breakers:
❌ Scientists who "just want to see what makes me tick"
❌ People who make Frankenstein jokes (I'm not Frankenstein, he's the doctor)
❌ Torch enthusiasts
❌ Anyone who says "it's a Frankenstein thing"

Looking for: Someone kind. That's it. Please.
Just one kind person.

No hookups. Literally looking for genuine connection.
Not interested in drama.

“I’ve been rejected by society for 200 years. Figured I’d try an app where everyone expects rejection.”

— Adam Frankenstein, Optimist

The Matches

Match #1: Sarah, 28

Her opening line: “OMG your Halloween costume is amazing! What materials did you use?”

Adam: “This isn’t a costume. This is my actual body.”

Sarah: “Lolol commitment! I love it! 😂”

Adam: “I’m serious. I’m literally reanimated from corpse parts.”

Sarah: [Unmatched]

Status: Blocked

Match #2: Jennifer, 31

Bio: “Scientist looking for someone to experiment with 😉”

Adam: “No.”

Jennifer: “Come on! Just dinner?”

Adam: “Your bio says you’re a neuroscientist.”

Jennifer: “Yeah! Cool, right?”

Adam: “My creator was a scientist. He abandoned me. I have… concerns.”

Jennifer: “Wow, daddy issues much? 🙄”

Status: Unmatched (by Adam, with prejudice)

Match #3: Brad, 29

Brad: “Yo bro, sick scars! Lifting accident?”

Adam: “Surgical stitches from being assembled from multiple corpses.”

Brad: “Ha! So like, CrossFit then? 😂 Wanna hit the gym?”

Adam: “I was created with superhuman strength. I don’t need the gym.”

Brad: “Dude, everyone needs leg day.”

Status: Ghosted (ironic)

Match #4: Emily, 26

Emily: “Your bio is really honest. I appreciate that.”

Adam: “Thank you. Honesty seems rare on here.”

Emily: “I know! So what do you do for work?”

Adam: “I… wander. Mostly. Sometimes I help travelers. I tried employment but…”

Emily: “Oh, so you’re between jobs?”

Adam: “I’m between… existences?”

Emily: “That’s a red flag. I need someone stable.”

Status: Unmatched

Adam’s note: “I’m literally immortal and she wants stability? Make it make sense.”

The Dates

Date #1: Coffee Shop Disaster

Location: Trendy third-wave coffee shop Match: Michelle, 27, “Loves authenticity”

5:00 PM - Adam arrives early, accidentally breaks chair by sitting 5:15 PM - Michelle arrives, doesn’t recognize him 5:16 PM - “You look… different from your photos” 5:17 PM - Adam explains about lighting and stitches being more visible in person 5:18 PM - Michelle orders chai latte, stares at phone 5:25 PM - Awkward silence 5:30 PM - Adam tries conversation: “What do you think about the nature of existence?” 5:31 PM - Michelle: “That’s heavy for a first date…” 5:35 PM - More awkward silence 5:40 PM - Michelle gets “emergency call from roommate” 5:41 PM - Date ends

Bill: $12.50 (Adam paid, Michelle didn’t offer) Second date: Denied Review: “He was nice but INTENSE. Also really tall. Like scary tall.”

Date #2: The Honest One

Location: Museum Match: David, 30, History teacher

This one actually went well. They talked about Romantic literature, societal rejection, and the human condition.

Adam: “You’re not bothered by my appearance?”

David: “Honestly? You’re different. But you’re thoughtful, well-read, and you haven’t checked your phone once.”

Adam: “I don’t have a phone plan. No credit history.”

David: “That’s… actually a problem. How do we stay in touch?”

Adam: “Carrier pigeon?”

David: “I think you’re joking but I genuinely can’t tell.”

Status: Went on 3 dates, then David moved to Boston for work

Adam’s note: “Finally met someone kind and they moved 200 miles away. Classic.”

The Common Dealbreakers

What Adam’s Matches Didn’t Like:

Physical Appearance (78%)

“Too tall”
“The stitches are distracting”
“Greenish complexion is concerning”
“Not my type” (said by everyone)

Communication Style (64%)

“Too philosophical”
“Brings up death too casually”
“Makes me question my existence and I don’t like it”
“Quotes Byron at inappropriate times”

Lifestyle (52%)

“Lives in abandoned windmill”
“Wanders aimlessly”
“Hunted by authorities in multiple countries”
“No permanent address”

Background (43%)

“Created in unethical experiment”
“Technically 200+ years old”
“Has killed people” (in self-defense, he emphasizes)
“Existence violates natural law”

The Group Chat

Adam joined a support group for monsters on dating apps.

Invisible Man: “At least people can see you.”

Adam: “They see me and then immediately unmatch.”

Werewolf: “Try explaining that you’re only hairy once a month.”

Adam: “Try explaining your entire body is from different corpses.”

Vampire: “At least you can eat garlic bread on dates.”

Adam: “None of you are getting second dates either.”

Everyone: “Fair point.”

The Profile Updates

After 50 matches and 0 successful connections, Adam revised his profile:

Version 2.0:

Bio:

Full disclosure: I'm 8 feet tall, assembled from corpses, and glow green under UV light.

Yes, I have trauma.
Yes, I'm working on it.
No, I won't "just get over" being abandoned by my creator.

Looking for someone who:
✅ Reads books
✅ Likes long conversations
✅ Won't immediately flee when meeting in person
✅ Accepts that I'm literally a monster

I'm kind, thoughtful, and will never ghost you
(ironic for someone who associates with ghosts).

Not here for games. Already played God once. Didn't work out.

Matches: Dropped to zero

Version 3.0: The Desperate Phase

Bio:

208 years old but young at heart! (Technically someone else's heart but whatever)

Love nature walks and reading.
Good listener.
Very loyal (nowhere else to go).

Please just give me a chance.
I'm so alone.

Matches: 3 (all scammers)

Version 4.0: The Acceptance

Bio:

Look, I'm a reanimated corpse. If that's not an immediate no, we should talk.

I like poetry, thunderstorms, and long discussions about what it means to be human when you're technically not human.

Not looking for perfection. Just someone who won't light torches and chase me.

Low bar, I know.

Matches: 12 (mostly goth girls and biology students)

The Success Story (Sort Of)

After 6 months, Adam matched with Luna, a mortician.

Luna: “Your bio is refreshingly honest.”

Adam: “Thank you. Most people think it’s off-putting.”

Luna: “I work with dead bodies. You’re technically advanced corpse science.”

Adam: “That’s the most romantic thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Luna: “That’s sad.”

Adam: “I know.”

Status: Currently dating Luna’s Review: “He’s sweet, well-read, and great at reaching high shelves. The villagers are annoying though.”

The Advice Column

After finding moderate success, Adam now advises other monsters:

“Dear Adam” Column:

Q: “I’m a vampire and keep scaring dates when I hiss at garlic bread. Help?”

A: “Stop going to Italian restaurants. Also, own it. If they can’t accept your dietary restrictions, they’re not worth it.”

Q: “The Invisible Man here. How do I take good profile photos?”

A: “That’s… actually a great question. Try holding things? Wear a hat? I don’t know, man. Good luck.”

Q: “Swamp Thing. Everyone says I smell like marsh water.”

A: “You DO smell like marsh water. Embrace it. Find someone who likes ‘natural’ scents. Maybe a botanist?”

The Conclusion

After one year on dating apps:

Matches: 247 Dates: 18 Second Dates: 4 Relationships: 1 (current) Therapy Sessions Required: 26 Villagers Evaded: 12 Times Reported as Catfish: 33

Lesson Learned: “Modern dating is horrible for everyone. At least I’m not alone in being alone.”

Adam’s Dating Profile is still active (as backup, he says). Current Status: “In a relationship” (with caveats) Location: Undisclosed (for safety from both dates AND villagers)

This reporter matched with Adam for research purposes. The date was lovely. He quoted Shelley’s poetry and paid for dinner. Five stars, would recommend if you can get past the stitches.