Wizard Calls Tech Support, Accidentally Turns Agent Into Frog
Ancient sorcerer discovers that 'Have you tried turning it off and on again' doesn't work on crystal balls
Wizard Calls Tech Support, Accidentally Turns Agent Into Frog
“Please hold while I reverse the transfiguration spell”
Merlin the Elder (age: unknown, possibly 847) called Apple Support yesterday to troubleshoot his new MacBook. The call lasted 4 hours, involved 3 supervisors, and ended with a tech support agent temporarily transformed into an amphibian.
The Problem
“My magic mirror broke,” Merlin explains, gesturing at his shattered scrying glass. “So I bought one of these ‘laptop’ things. It’s not working. When I say ‘show me my enemies,’ nothing happens.”
The laptop in question: 2024 MacBook Pro, covered in runes, smelling faintly of sulfur.
Purchased: Apple Store (staff still traumatized) Issue: “Device won’t respond to verbal commands or accept blood sacrifices” Attempted fixes: Placed under full moon, blessed with dragon tears, threatened with fireball
Result: MacBook still won’t “divine the future” as advertised
“The salesperson said it was ‘magical.’ I assumed standard enchantments were included.”
— Merlin, Disappointed Customer
The Support Call: Full Transcript
Agent: “Thank you for calling Apple Support, my name is Kevin. Can I get your name please?”
Merlin: “I am Merlin, Keeper of Ancient Wisdom, Master of the Arcane Arts, He Who—”
Agent: “Okay, just ‘Merlin’ is fine. What can I help you with today?”
Merlin: “Your magical device is defective. It won’t scry.”
Agent: “I’m sorry, it won’t…?”
Merlin: “SCRY. See into the future. Reveal distant lands. The BASIC features.”
Agent: “Sir, MacBooks don’t… Let me check your serial number.”
Merlin: “Serial number? It’s right here. F-I-R-E-B-O-L-T-2-0-2-4.”
Agent: “That’s not… sir, where did you buy this?”
Merlin: “Your temple. The one with the glowing fruit symbol.”
Agent: “The Apple Store. Okay. Did they explain what a laptop does?”
Merlin: “They said it could ‘connect me to the world.’ I assumed astral projection.”
Agent: [Muffled crying]
Troubleshooting Attempt #1: The Basics
Agent: “Okay, let’s start simple. Is it turned on?”
Merlin: “I summoned flames and held it over the fire for purification.”
Agent: “YOU DID WHAT?”
Merlin: “Standard activation ritual.”
Agent: “Sir, you can’t… Okay. Is the screen showing anything?”
Merlin: “It was glowing with mystical light. Then it went dark and started smoking.”
Agent: “That’s called ‘fire damage.’ Your warranty is void.”
Merlin: “WHAT WARRANTY? Speak plainly, mortal!”
Agent: “Sir, please don’t call me mortal. Let me escalate this.”
Supervisor #1: The Password Crisis
Supervisor Sarah: “Hi Merlin, I understand you’re having issues?”
Merlin: “Finally, someone with authority. Your apprentice was useless.”
Sarah: “Let’s try to set up your Apple ID. What email would you like to use?”
Merlin: “What is ‘email’?”
Sarah: “Electronic mail. A way to send messages.”
Merlin: “I send messages via carrier raven.”
Sarah: “That’s… We need an email address.”
Merlin: “Fine. Create one. MerlinTheGreat.”
Sarah: “MerlinTheGreat at what domain?”
Merlin: “My domain is all of Britain.”
Sarah: “No, I mean… let’s use gmail. MerlinTheGreat@gmail.com.”
Merlin: “Acceptable.”
Sarah: “Now create a password. At least 8 characters, one uppercase, one number—”
Merlin: “By the power of ancient runes, I command thee to open!”
Sarah: “That’s not going to—”
Computer: [Makes concerning beeping noise]
Sarah: “How did you… never mind. Security question: What was your first pet?”
Merlin: “Dragon.”
Sarah: ”…I’m going to put ‘dog.’”
The Accidental Curse
Sarah: “Okay, your Apple ID is set up. Let me remote into your device—”
Merlin: “WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?”
Sarah: “I’m just accessing your computer remotely to help—”
Merlin: “POSSESSION! You attempt to possess my device! BEGONE!”
[Merlin begins chanting in Latin]
Sarah: “Sir, please stop chanting— SIR—”
[Sound of mystical energy crackling]
Sarah: “I don’t feel so good… I’m… turning GREEN… I’M A FROG!”
Agent Kevin (taking over): “SARAH? Sarah, are you there??”
Merlin: “Your superior attempted dark magic. I defended myself.”
Kevin: “YOU TURNED HER INTO A FROG!”
Merlin: “A reversible transfiguration. She’ll be fine in 3-5 business days.”
Kevin: “BUSINESS DAYS?!”
Supervisor #2: The Experienced One
Supervisor Marcus (former fantasy LARPer): “Merlin? This is Marcus. I understand there’s been an… incident.”
Merlin: “Your colleague overstepped. The curse was proportional.”
Marcus: “Right. Okay. Let me help you before anyone else gets transfigured. First question: What do you want to use the MacBook for?”
Merlin: “Divination, spell research, summoning.”
Marcus: “Let me rephrase. Would you like to: browse the internet, write documents, or watch videos?”
Merlin: “What manner of options are these? I need to commune with ancient spirits!”
Marcus: “Okay, so… internet. We can work with that.”
The Tutorial From Hell
Step 1: Opening Safari
Marcus: “Double-click the compass icon.”
Merlin: “Why would I click it twice?”
Marcus: “It’s just… click it two times quickly.”
Merlin: “Once to request, twice to command. I understand.”
Marcus: “Not exactly but sure. What happened?”
Merlin: “A window appeared with a question: ‘Where would you like to go?’”
Marcus: “Perfect! Type in a website.”
Merlin: “What is a ‘website’?”
Marcus: [Deep breath] “A place on the internet. Try www.google.com.”
Merlin: “I shall scribe it in runes.”
Marcus: “NO! Regular letters! Just type normally!”
Merlin: “There is nothing normal about this cursed device.”
Step 2: The Google Search
Marcus: “Okay, Google is open. Type something you want to know about.”
Merlin: “How to acquire dragon scales at reasonable prices.”
Marcus: “That’s… specific. But let’s try it.”
[Long pause]
Merlin: “It says ‘About 2,470,000 results.’ This is dark magic.”
Marcus: “No, that’s just search results. Click one.”
Merlin: “This link speaks of ‘cosplay supplies.’ What mockery is this?”
Marcus: “Yeah, you’re not going to find real dragon scales on Google.”
Merlin: “Your world has no wonder.”
Step 3: Siri
Marcus: “Your MacBook has a voice assistant. Say ‘Hey Siri.’”
Merlin: “Hey, Siri.”
Siri: “How can I help you?”
Merlin: “BY THE GODS! Who speaks?!”
Siri: “I’m Siri. I can help you with—”
Merlin: “WHAT SPIRIT INHABITS THIS BOX?!”
Marcus: “She’s not a spirit, she’s AI—”
Merlin: “ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?! You’ve created life?!”
Siri: “I didn’t quite get that.”
Merlin: “Reveal your true form, demon!”
Siri: “I’m not sure I understand.”
Merlin: “I COMMAND THEE!”
Siri: “Here’s what I found on the web for ‘I command thee.’”
Marcus: “Please stop yelling at Siri.”
The Virus Incident
Merlin: “The device is infected.”
Marcus: “What makes you think that?”
Merlin: “A pop-up appeared saying I’ve won a prize. Obviously a curse.”
Marcus: “That’s a scam, not a curse. Don’t click it.”
Merlin: “Too late. It asked for my credit card to claim my free iPad.”
Marcus: “You have a credit card?”
Merlin: “No. I gave them my talisman number instead.”
Marcus: “Your… what?”
Merlin: “The sacred numbers on my enchanted payment stone.”
Marcus: “You absolutely have a credit card. We need to cancel it. Now.”
The Final Straw
After 3 hours:
Marcus: “Okay, I think we’ve covered the basics. Email, web browsing, and how to not turn tech support into amphibians.”
Merlin: “I require one more thing.”
Marcus: “What?”
Merlin: “How do I make it divine the future?”
Marcus: ”…It can’t do that.”
Merlin: “The salesperson SPECIFICALLY said it was the future of computing.”
Marcus: “‘Future of computing’ means it’s advanced technology, not that it predicts the future.”
Merlin: “This is false advertising.”
Marcus: “Sir—”
Merlin: “I demand a refund.”
Marcus: “You set it on fire.”
Merlin: “PURIFICATION RITUAL!”
Marcus: “I need supervisor approval to issue a refund for fire damage.”
Merlin: “Fetch your supervisor then.”
Marcus: “She’s still a frog.”
Merlin: ”…Right. I’ll reverse that.”
The Resolution
Final Call Summary:
- Duration: 4 hours, 17 minutes
- Agents Involved: 4 (1 still recovering from amphibian transformation)
- Resolution: Merlin received store credit ($2,347)
- MacBook Status: “Deceased via fire damage and protective runes”
- Merlin’s New Purchase: iPad (“A more appropriately-sized scrying mirror”)
Notes: Customer banned from all Apple Stores in perpetuity. However, court-mandated exception made due to his “magical legal threats.”
The Follow-Up
One week later:
Agent Kevin (calling Merlin): “Hi, this is a follow-up call to see how your iPad is working.”
Merlin: “It won’t accept my spells.”
Kevin: “That’s because—”
Merlin: “Also, Siri won’t answer my philosophical questions about the nature of existence.”
Kevin: “She’s not designed to—”
Merlin: “She told me to ‘ask again later.’ The disrespect.”
Kevin: “That’s a Magic 8-Ball reference—”
Merlin: “I have SEVERAL magic eight-balls! They’re far more helpful!”
Kevin: [Hangs up]
The Yelp Review
⭐ (1 star)
Review from Merlin_the_Elder:
*“Purchased ‘magical’ device. Does not perform magic. Staff transformed into frog (my fault) but were unhelpful even before transfiguration. The ‘Genius Bar’ contains no actual geniuses. False advertising.
Store is too bright. No space for summoning circles. WiFi password requires email I don’t check.
The only ‘apple’ I saw was the logo. Expected actual enchanted apples.
One star because the teenager who helped me was patient when I accidentally set my bag on fire trying to ‘charge’ my device with lightning magic.
Will shop at Microsoft next time.”*
Store Response: “Please don’t.”
Merlin has since hired a teenage neighbor to teach him technology. Sarah recovered from her frog transformation with no lasting effects (except an unusual craving for flies). Apple Support has added “magical curse prevention” to their training manual.
This reporter attempted to contact Merlin for interview. He sent a raven with a scroll that read “INTERVIEW GRANTED. APPEAR AT MY TOWER AT MIDNIGHT.” We conducted the interview via Zoom instead. Three stars for compromising on modern technology.