Zombie Gets Promoted to Middle Management, Nobody Notices the Difference

“I fit right in,” he groans, gesturing vaguely at spreadsheet

Derek Thompson (deceased 2023, employed 2024) has been promoted to Senior Project Manager at TechCorp Solutions. His colleagues describe him as “dedicated,” “always hungry for results,” and “a little slow on emails.”

None of them realize he’s been dead for two years.

The Resurrection

Derek died in a freak office accident involving a malfunctioning coffee machine and a server room. Three weeks later, he shambled back to work.

“I thought it was just a really bad hangover,” explains his manager, Patricia. “Derek showed up Monday morning, groaning, moving slowly, staring vacantly at his screen. Standard Monday behavior.”

“Braaaaains… I mean, quarterly reports. Need quarterly reports.”

— Derek Thompson, Senior Project Manager

The promotion came six months later. Derek’s performance review cited:

Consistent attendance (he literally can’t leave)
Strong work ethic (driven by insatiable hunger)
Team player (mostly harmless)
Great at staying late (no longer requires sleep)

The Daily Routine

9:00 AM - Morning Standup

Team Lead: “Derek, what did you work on yesterday?”

Derek: “Grrraaahhh… [shuffles papers] …status reports…”

Team Lead: “Great! Any blockers?”

Derek: “Huuuunger… I mean, hunger for success. No blockers.”

Team: [Nods approvingly]

12:30 PM - Lunch Meeting

Derek orders a rare steak. Very rare. Still moving.

“He’s keto,” whispers Sandra from Accounting. “Respect the diet.”

Derek gnaws on the steak, occasionally moaning. Everyone assumes it’s about the upcoming deadline.

3:00 PM - Performance Review

HR: “Derek, your productivity has been… consistent.”

Derek: “Braaains… strategies. Need strategies.”

HR: “Exactly! We love your focus on strategic thinking. You’re getting a raise.”

Derek: [Tries to eat the performance review document]

HR: “We’ll email you a copy.”

The Skills That Translate

Before Death vs. After Death

Communication:

Before: Clear, articulate
After: Mostly groaning
Performance Review: “Derek has embraced minimalist communication”

Multitasking:

Before: Handles 3-4 projects
After: Stares at one thing for hours
Performance Review: “Exceptional focus and dedication”

Problem Solving:

Before: Strategic, analytical
After: Eats the problem
Performance Review: “Innovative approaches to obstacles”

Time Management:

Before: Uses calendar apps
After: Exists in eternal present
Performance Review: “Lives in the moment, very mindful”

The Team Dynamics

Slack Messages from Colleagues:

@sarah_designer: “Derek gave great feedback on my mockups! Just kept pointing and groaning. Really made me think critically about my work.”

@mike_dev: “Derek’s code reviews are intense. He just stares at the screen and drools. Makes you really examine your commit quality.”

@jennifer_pm: “Derek ate my mouse. HR says it’s a ‘team building opportunity.’”

The Promotion Announcement

Company-Wide Email:

Subject: Exciting News - Derek Thompson Promoted!

Team,

We're thrilled to announce Derek's promotion to Senior PM!

Derek has shown:
✅ Unwavering dedication
✅ Hunger for results
✅ Ability to work under pressure (literal decomposition pressure)
✅ Strong groaning—I mean, growing—leadership skills

Please join us in congratulating Derek!

Best,
Leadership Team

P.S. - If Derek tries to bite you, it's just his way of showing
appreciation. Please fill out the incident report form.

The Management Philosophy

When asked about his leadership style, Derek provides surprisingly coherent answers (between groans):

“Lead by example… [groan] …set clear expectations… [shuffles] …eat the weak—I MEAN, support the team…”

His Management Principles:

Always be hungry (for results)
Move slowly but deliberately (strategic patience)
Consume all obstacles (aggressive problem-solving)
Never stop moving forward (persistence)
Embrace decay (accepting impermanence of projects)

The Performance Metrics

Derek’s Quarterly Results:

Projects Completed: 7 Projects Consumed (literally): 2 Team Morale: Surprisingly high Team Members Bitten: 3 (all minor incidents) HR Complaints: 47 HR Complaints Resolved: 0 (Derek ate them)

Overall Rating: ⭐⭐⭐⭐ “Exceeds Expectations”

The Office Politics

Derek has inadvertently become excellent at corporate politics:

Political Maneuver #1: The Awkward Silence

Normal Response: Attempt to fill silence with words Derek’s Approach: Stands silently, staring Result: Everyone assumes deep thought, treats him as wise

Political Maneuver #2: The Difficult Conversation

Normal Response: Carefully chosen diplomatic language Derek’s Approach: “Graaahhh…” Result: Universally interpreted as agreeing with whoever’s talking

Political Maneuver #3: The Power Play

Normal Response: Strategic positioning, networking Derek’s Approach: Shambles into executive meetings uninvited Result: Mistaken for confidence, gets invited to more meetings

The Training Session Disaster

Derek was asked to lead a workshop on “Agile Methodologies.”

Workshop Highlights:

9:00 AM - Derek shambles to podium 9:05 AM - Writes “BRAINS” on whiteboard 9:10 AM - Team assumes it’s an acronym 9:15 AM - Entire department brainstorming what BRAINS stands for 9:45 AM - Someone suggests “Building Responsive, Agile, Innovative, Networked Systems” 9:46 AM - Derek groans approvingly (he was actually just hungry) 10:00 AM - Workshop rated 4.7/5 stars

Feedback: “Derek’s unconventional teaching style really made us think outside the box!”

The Corporate Jargon Advantage

Zombie-speak perfectly aligns with corporate communication:

Translation Guide:

Derek Says	Team Hears
”Graaaahh…"	"Let’s circle back on that"
"Braaains…"	"Let’s leverage our core competencies”
[Stares blankly]	“I’m actively listening”
[Shuffles papers]	“Reviewing the data”
[Tries to bite intern]	“Aggressive mentorship style”

The Team Building Retreat

Derek attended the annual team building retreat. It went surprisingly well.

Trust Fall Exercise:

Derek fell
Didn’t get back up for 20 minutes
Team assumed it was a meditation exercise
Everyone rated it “transformative”

Escape Room Challenge:

Derek broke down the door
Team escaped in record time
Facility requested he never return
Team won “Most Creative Problem Solving” award

Bonding Dinner:

Derek ordered raw chicken
Groaned throughout meal
Everyone assumed he was being health-conscious
Inspired three coworkers to try paleo diet

The Annual Review

CEO: “Derek, you’ve been an asset to this company.”

Derek: “Huuuunger… growth… success…”

CEO: “Exactly! Hungry for growth and success! That’s the spirit we need.”

Derek: [Lunges toward CEO]

CEO: “Wow, eager to shake hands! I love the enthusiasm!”

Derek: [Settles for handshake instead of consuming CEO]

CEO: “15% raise, effective immediately.”

The Revelation That Never Comes

Last week, Derek’s skin turned notably gray during a Zoom call.

Colleague’s reaction: “Wow, Derek, you need more vitamin D! Maybe take a vacation?”

Derek: “Graaahhh…”

Colleague: “I know, PTO requests are such a pain. HR, am I right?”

The Future

When asked about his five-year plan, Derek provided this response:

“Consume… I mean, ASSUME more responsibility… [groan] …strategic growth… [shuffles] …becoming regional manager… [tries to eat interviewer’s notepad]”

HR has already approved his promotion track.

Upcoming Initiatives:

Leading the Q4 strategy session
Mentoring junior employees (from a safe distance)
Attending leadership training (they’ve agreed to provide raw meat snacks)
Possibly eating the competition (literal or figurative, TBD)

The Lesson

In an industry famous for corporate zombies, Derek has proven that the difference between actual zombies and middle management is mostly cosmetic.

Key Takeaways:

Groaning is indistinguishable from corporate jargon
Slow movement reads as “strategic thinking”
Vacant stares signal “deep focus”
Consuming everything is just “aggressive growth mindset”
Being dead inside is a prerequisite, not a dealbreaker

TechCorp Solutions is currently hiring for multiple positions. No background checks required. Pulse optional.

This reporter interviewed Derek via email to avoid the biting incident. He responded with three different variations of “graaahh.” His assistant translated them as “very insightful leadership philosophy.” Five stars for adapting to corporate culture.