Kraken Demands Better WiFi, Threatens to Cancel Cloud Subscription
Ancient sea monster discovers technology, immediately becomes everyone's most annoying coworker
Kraken Demands Better WiFi, Threatens to Cancel Cloud Subscription
Local IT department considers early retirement after mythical creature discovers Zoom
The North Atlantic Kraken, previously content with simply destroying ships and terrorizing sailors, has discovered the internet. IT departments worldwide are regretting it.
The Discovery
It started innocently enough. A sinking submarine’s satellite internet briefly connected during its descent into the depths. The Kraken, curious about the glowing screens, grabbed a waterproof tablet.
Three hours later, the creature had:
- Created 47 social media accounts
- Joined 15 Discord servers
- Started a tech review YouTube channel
- Filed 93 support tickets about underwater connectivity
“I’ve been destroying civilization for millennia. But have you TRIED getting a stable 5G signal at 20,000 feet below sea level? THIS is the real nightmare.”
— The Kraken, in a strongly-worded email to Verizon
The Demands List
Immediate Requirements
Better WiFi Coverage The Kraken’s current underwater lair gets approximately 0.3 Mbps. For reference, this is slower than dial-up. The creature is, quote, “absolutely losing it.”
Cloud Storage That Actually Works Underwater “It’s called the CLOUD,” the Kraken wrote in all-caps to multiple tech CEOs. “I am UNDER the clouds. UNDER the water. Why doesn’t this work??”
Video Conferencing Software for Tentacles Zoom’s interface assumes users have, at most, two hands. The Kraken has eight tentacles and wants to use them all simultaneously. Current setup requires:
- 4 separate Zoom accounts
- 8 different cameras
- One very confused IT administrator
- 47 mute/unmute incidents per meeting
Reasonable Accommodations Requested
- Keyboard designed for tentacles (current ergonomic options are “laughably inadequate”)
- Extended mouse warranty (crush strength of 2000 PSI not covered)
- Waterproof everything (surprisingly, this one is fair)
- Tech support that doesn’t immediately hang up upon hearing “Yes, I AM calling from the ocean floor”
The IT Support Nightmare
Customer support agent Maria Gonzalez has been assigned the Kraken account. She is not doing well.
“Do you know what it’s like to explain cookies to a creature that eats ships?” Maria asks, staring at her 47th cup of coffee. “He thinks browser cookies are actual food. He tried to eat his laptop.”
Actual Support Tickets Filed
Ticket #1: “Computer is wet”
- Status: Closed (Working as designed for underwater use)
- Kraken’s response: “UNACCEPTABLE”
Ticket #2: “Screen too small to see all my tentacles in video call”
- Status: Pending (Engineering is confused)
- Suggested solution: “Have you tried using… fewer tentacles?”
- Kraken’s response: [Message deleted for profanity]
Ticket #3: “Why can’t I download the ENTIRE internet?”
- Status: Escalated to Senior Management
- Also Philosophy Department
- Possibly Therapy
The Streaming Empire
Despite technical difficulties, the Kraken has launched a surprisingly successful tech review channel: “Kraken Unboxing”
Popular Videos
“I Crushed Every Smartphone to Test Durability” — 4.2M views “The iPhone 15 Pro lasted exactly 0.3 seconds. Disappointing.”
“WiFi Router Taste Test: Which Brand Tastes Best?” — 2.8M views “TP-Link has a slight oceanic saltiness. Netgear is too crunchy. 3/10 would not eat again.”
“Why Human Technology is Terrible: A 4-Hour Documentary” — 847K views Comments disabled due to the Kraken getting into arguments with literally every viewer
The Corporate Response
Tech companies are scrambling to address their new most-demanding customer.
Official Statements
Apple “We’re excited to announce the iPhone Kraken Edition, featuring 8 simultaneous touch inputs and depth resistance up to 36,000 feet. Pre-orders start never because we haven’t figured out shipping yet.”
Microsoft “Microsoft Teams now supports tentacle-based reactions. Please stop destroying our underwater data centers.”
Google No comment, but their stock dropped 3% after the Kraken posted a 2-star review of Google Fiber
The Email That Broke IT
Last Tuesday, the Kraken sent this to every major tech company:
TO: Every Tech Company
FROM: The Kraken
RE: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED
Dear Silicon Valley,
I have existed for thousands of years. I have destroyed countless ships. Sailors tell legends about my terror.
But NOTHING—and I mean NOTHING—has caused me more frustration than:
- Buffering videos
- “Password must contain 12 characters, one symbol, and the tears of your enemies”
- Auto-correct changing “destroy” to “desk toy”
- CAPTCHA tests asking me to identify boats
DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS?
I have eaten boats. I AM THE REASON THERE ARE FEWER BOATS.
FIX THIS IMMEDIATELY.
Regards, The Kraken
P.S. - Your “customer satisfaction survey” was too long. I crushed the laptop. Bill me.
The email crashed 17 servers. IT departments worldwide reported simultaneous crying.
The Subscription Situation
The Kraken currently has active subscriptions to:
- Netflix (cancelled after one month: “Not enough maritime disasters”)
- Spotify Premium (kept: “Sea shanties slap”)
- Amazon Prime (ongoing dispute about underwater delivery)
- LinkedIn Premium (active job hunting: “Seeking: Ship Destruction role, 3000+ years experience”)
- Adobe Creative Cloud ($54.99/month, never used, forgot to cancel like everyone else)
The Amazon Delivery Problem
Kraken: “Why can’t you deliver to coordinates 41°N, 12°W?”
Amazon: “Sir, that’s 2 miles underwater.”
Kraken: “I have Prime. It says 2-day delivery ANYWHERE.”
Amazon: [Disconnects]
Kraken: [Destroys a cargo ship in retaliation]
The Latest Development
Yesterday, the Kraken discovered cryptocurrency.
The entire IT industry is on high alert.
His first tweet from @RealKrakenCrypto: “If money can be in the CLOUD, why can’t it be in the OCEAN? Follow me for investment advice.”
Financial advisors are advising everyone to not follow that advice.
By The Numbers
Since discovering technology 3 months ago:
- Reddit karma: 47,293 (mostly from r/thalassophobia)
- Instagram followers: 2.1M (@OceanicDread)
- Yelp reviews written: 847 (all 1-star, all about WiFi)
- Laptops destroyed: 23
- IT support agents driven to tears: 156
- Successful Zoom calls: 0
The Future
When asked about his technology goals, the Kraken was surprisingly thoughtful:
“Look, I just want to participate in modern society. Is that so wrong? I want to attend webinars. I want to complain about Monday mornings. I want to have 47 browser tabs open and wonder why my computer is slow.”
Pause.
“Also I’m starting a podcast about the decline of maritime safety. Someone teach me how to use a microphone without crushing it.”
The Kraken’s Tech Support Hotline: 1-800-DEEP-SEA Please note: Calling this number may result in existential dread and wet phone damage
This reporter conducted the interview via heavily encrypted satellite connection. The Kraken still somehow found and crushed our underwater camera. Three stars for enthusiasm.