Kraken Becomes City's Most Requested Plumber, 8 Arms 'A Game Changer'
Sea monster's ability to fix 8 leaks simultaneously earns 5-star reviews across the tristate area
Kraken Becomes City’s Most Requested Plumber, 8 Arms ‘A Game Changer’
A giant kraken formerly known for terrorizing 18th-century merchant vessels has pivoted to a career in residential plumbing, and business is booming.
Eight Arms, Zero Wait Time
“I can snake a drain, replace a faucet, hold a flashlight, eat a sandwich, text my next client, and still have two arms free,” explained the kraken, who operates under the business name “Octo-Plumb LLC.”
Customers report average job completion times of 12 minutes, compared to the industry standard of 3 hours.
Customer Reviews
The kraken currently holds a 4.9-star rating on Yelp, with reviews including:
- “Fixed my entire bathroom in the time it took me to make coffee” - ★★★★★
- “A little ink on the ceiling but honestly worth it” - ★★★★★
- “Arrived through the toilet, which was unexpected but efficient” - ★★★★☆
- “My cat is still hiding. Otherwise flawless work” - ★★★★★
Challenges
The career transition hasn’t been without its hurdles. The kraken’s truck has been custom-built to accommodate a 2,000-gallon saltwater tank, and most residential doorways require “some creative squeezing.”
“The hardest part is fitting under kitchen sinks,” the kraken admitted. “I was built for crushing galleons, not crawl spaces.”
Industry Response
The local plumbers’ union has filed a formal complaint, arguing that having eight arms constitutes an “unfair competitive advantage.” The kraken’s lawyer responded that the union bylaws say nothing about tentacle limits.
The kraken is now expanding into HVAC, noting that “being cold-blooded gives me a unique perspective on climate control.”