Medusa Opens Hair Salon, Promises ‘Looks That Will Petrify You’

After centuries of unemployment and “severe misrepresentation in the media,” Medusa has opened a hair salon in downtown Portland called “Stone Cold Gorgeous.”

The Concept

“Everyone always focused on the turning-people-to-stone thing,” Medusa explained from behind a pair of very dark sunglasses. “Nobody ever asked if my snakes could do a decent blowout. Spoiler: they can. Each one has been individually trained in a different technique.”

The salon offers a range of services:

• The Classic Gorgon: Full head of living, hissing curls
• The Medusa Bob: Shorter snakes, very manageable
• The Perseus: An ironic undercut (very popular)
• Stone Finish Gel: A proprietary product that gives “an absolutely rock-solid hold”

Safety Measures

The salon has implemented several safety protocols:

• All styling chairs face away from Medusa
• Mirrors are strictly prohibited (a “unique selling point,” per the website)
• Customers sign a 47-page liability waiver
• A licensed de-petrification specialist is on call

“We’ve only had three incidents,” Medusa noted. “And two of those were people who ignored the ‘DO NOT MAKE EYE CONTACT’ signs. The third was a health inspector.”

Reviews

The salon has earned a cult following:

“My hair has never looked better. I literally cannot move my head because the style is so perfectly locked in place.” - ★★★★★

“Went in for a trim, came out as a garden statue for 45 minutes. But after they reversed it, my hair was AMAZING.” - ★★★★☆

Expansion Plans

Medusa is considering franchising, with locations planned for Austin and Brooklyn. She’s also developing a line of hair products called “Gorgon Gorgeous,” with the tagline: “Hair so good, you’ll be frozen in place.”

Her sisters Stheno and Euryale will manage the new locations. “It’s a family business now,” Medusa said, adjusting a particularly feisty cobra that was trying to eat the interviewer’s microphone.