Centaur Dominates Food Delivery Apps, Claims 'No Bike Needed'
Half-horse courier averages 47 deliveries per hour, refuses to wear the branded backpack
Centaur Dominates Food Delivery Apps, Claims ‘No Bike Needed’
A centaur named Cheiron has become the top-rated delivery driver across three major food delivery platforms, completing an unprecedented 47 deliveries per hour during peak lunch rush.
The Numbers Don’t Lie
While the average delivery driver completes 3-4 orders per hour, Cheiron’s unique physiology gives him several advantages:
- Top speed of 43 mph (no traffic laws apply to pedestrians)
- Can carry 12 insulated bags simultaneously across his back
- Never needs to find parking
- GPS is unnecessary when you have “ancient wayfinding instincts”
The App Companies Respond
DoorDash initially flagged Cheiron’s account for “suspicious delivery speeds,” assuming it was a bot. After a video call with support — during which Cheiron accidentally kicked the camera — the issue was resolved.
“We’ve updated our driver categories,” a spokesperson confirmed. “There’s now a dropdown option between ‘bicycle’ and ‘car’ that just says ‘other (hooved).’”
Customer Experiences
Most customers report positive experiences, though some were surprised:
“I ordered pad thai and heard what I thought was a horse outside. Opened the door and a shirtless guy with the lower body of a horse handed me my food and said ‘may your meal bring you wisdom.’ Five stars.”
The Tip Situation
Cheiron has strong opinions about tipping culture. “In ancient Greece, we exchanged knowledge and heroic deeds. Now I get $2 on a $45 order. Humanity has regressed.”
He currently averages $3,200 per week and is saving for “a really nice stable with WiFi.”